one year of wes carman.
I woke up with a one-year-old this morning.
Exactly one year ago at 5am after 42 hours of labour, our son arrived. Our attending OB was an energetic woman who was excited for us to “take a tour of the placenta” when everything was over and appeared so deflated when we opted not to. It seemed like in that moment, she had suddenly morphed into Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus and wanted us to hop on her bus, shrink down and just take a sweet joyride into this bloody, liver-looking thing that had held Wes and I together for the past nine months.
Wes was nine days overdue but they say “good things come to those who wait”. Luckily whoever “they” are have not specified if you had to act good during your waiting time. I certainly did not conduct myself in the best ways leading up to Wes’ birth but shit, you try being 104 months overdue with heat warnings in a small town during August and let me know how it goes.
But we waited and he is a good thing. Such a good thing. A good thing I never knew I needed but always knew I wanted. I always wanted to be a mum. Always. And more than that, I knew from the day I met Bayne that he would make the best dad. And he is. Such a good dad. Wes adores him. Everything is “dada” and I mean everything. It’s hella cute.
We’ve learned that parenting is a lot like putting together a puzzle… except the puzzle has been dumped in tall grass on a windy day and every so often, someone dumps a different puzzle in the same spot which just creates confusion. Are you ever putting it together right? Is this piece meant to go here or is it part of something else - a bigger puzzle perhaps? Parenting is a huge paradox in the sense that you’re so tired and empty from taking care of other people but you would give anything to wake up and do it again every. friggin’. day. because you love them so much. It is work but it’s oddly cathartic. Co-parenting can make or break or break you. If you’re not on the same team, it may as well be game over. I never thought that adding someone to our relationship would make things stronger… (get your head out of the gutter, I’m not talking threesomes here) BUT THEN Wes came along and seemed to complete us.
I’ve learned I strongly dislike when people ask “is he a good baby?” because what does that really mean? Does that mean that there are bad babies, just out there causing mayhem intentionally from the start? No. But as far as babies go, Wes has shown us he is happy-go-lucky, very observant, curious and, independent. I have spent the last year in awe of his ability to communicate his needs without words, somehow enabling us to survive day to day without many hiccups. I have loved each stage. I love watching him grow and I love to watch his personality unfold before our eyes. His belly laugh and chubby-cheeked mischievous smile reassure me that his heart is full so I think we are doing an okay job, even on days where I doubt my abilities.
Being a parent has had its obvious challenges. You’re tired and hungry and always cleaning up something sticky so forget having nice things anymore. You can’t remember when you showered and who has time for smooth legs but you can remember who shit today and what colour it was. Your day revolves around the elusive naps that are rarely long enough and yet, you’re happy, or at least I feel like it most of the time. When they finally do sleep, you find yourself flipping through photos of them on your phone rather than also sleeping or cleaning more sticky surfaces because you miss them so damn much. Over the past year, I’ve felt the tug of identity crisis and fatigue but I think I’ve adapted to that somewhat. I’ve tried to merge a few things from my past but ultimately I’ve accepted that who I was before Wes isn’t overly important. I’ve taken the bits that are and left the rest.
It’s been the best year with Wes. It’s been filled with laughter but it’s also had it’s challenges that have forced me to grow and for that, I’m so grateful. I never knew I could love something so much but I do. Thank you for making me a mama, Wes! I’m so happy you’re mine! Happy First Birthday!
